As the conflict in Israel continues, much attention is rightly focused on the direct victims of violence and the soldiers on the front lines. However, there's another group of silent sufferers who often go unnoticed: the children of soldiers in active duty.
Over 280,000 Israelis were called up for reserve duty – including a significant number of women (14%). They left behind their families, academic studies, and careers. According to the IDF Personnel Directorate, 112,000 reservists have spouses and children. Their children, even if not directly exposed to the traumatic events of October 7th, face significant psychological challenges that can deeply impact their mental health.
The Burden of Indirect Exposure
Children of active duty soldiers experience trauma differently from those who have direct exposure to violence. As the psychological impact of their experiences stems primarily from indirect exposure, the constant fear for a parent's safety can cause persistent worry and fear. Many of these children develop heightened anxiety, experiencing trouble sleeping, difficulty concentrating, irritability, and increased dependency on other family members. The emotional toll of having a parent in harm’s way is profound and pervasive, affecting every aspect of their daily lives.
The nature of military service means frequent and prolonged absences; this instability can foster a sense of insecurity and unpredictability. The absence of a parent also leaves a significant void, leading to feelings of abandonment and sadness. Prof. Eva Gilboa-Schechtman, a researcher at the Multidisciplinary Brain Research Center, lecturer at the Psychology Department at Bar-Ilan University, anda member of the ICAR Collective’s Scientific Advisory Board, shares: “An intelligence officer called to reserve duty was leaving very early in the morning, and returning after the kids were already in bed. The woman received a call from her 4-year-old daughter’s teacher. The child had told her friends that 'Mommy is dead, she is not coming home.' The mother packed her bag and took a day off to spend time with her daughter. Of course, she then had to go back to reserve duty."
The impact varies between older and younger children. Older children may experience a role reversal, taking on more responsibilities at home to support the remaining parent or caregivers. This additional pressure can cause further stress and anxiety as they try to balance their own emotional needs with the new responsibilities thrust upon them. “We see kids ages 10-12 that are very serious,” explains Farrah Dobuler from Smiles for the Kids, a non-profit created on Oct. 8 to help families of reservists. “They know what is happening and they imagine the worst that could happen. They want to help their mothers and be strong for their fathers.”
Younger children may exhibit problems such as difficulty sleeping, bedwetting, nightmares, and trouble trusting the deployed parent upon their return. “Young kids are extremely clingy, cry easily, and mothers share that the kids are now sleeping in their beds,” continues Farrah. “The mothers who spoke with us are quietly suffering because they are trying to be strong for everyone.”
The children’s issues are exacerbated by the emotional stress on the remaining parent who has to manage the household alone. When reservists come home, they can feel like outsiders in their own homes, as their wives have developed systems to manage without them. Tension between the couple can arise, which in turn creates additional distress for the children.
Living in a constant state of fear and worry can lead to social isolation. Children may withdraw from their peers, feeling misunderstood or disconnected from those who do not share their experiences. This is even truer for the families that are displaced because of the war and are physically isolated from their usual social networks. The lack of a supportive social network exacerbates feelings of loneliness and isolation, compounding emotional challenges.
Schools and community environments can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, they provide a semblance of normalcy and routine; on the other hand, they can be sources of additional stress if the child's peers or educators are not sensitive to their unique situation. Hearing about ongoing conflicts and witnessing other children’s distress can heighten their anxiety and fear, making it difficult to focus on academic and social activities.
Helping Adults is Helping Children
Creating a safe environment and strong adult attachment can help mitigate trauma. The presence of supportive adults who provide comfort and reassurance can alleviate the effects of persistent toxic stress, such as that experienced during war.
Efforts are needed to support parents and teachers, recognizing their crucial role in providing stability and security for children. This means that we do not necessarily need to work directly with children—especially if they have not been directly exposed to traumatic events—but rather empower the adults in their lives to maintain a nurturing and stable environment. "Empowering parents and teachers is crucial. They provide the stability and security that children need to navigate their trauma," explains Esther Marcus, social worker and manager of the Sdot Negev Resilience Center.
It starts with the parents. Studies indicate that children with supportive family environments exhibit fewer symptoms of PTSD, depression, and anxiety. Programs that provide support to parents can help them better manage their own stress and, in turn, be more present and supportive for their children.
This includes building a supportive network and connecting with other families in similar situations to alleviate feelings of isolation, providing a sense of solidarity and shared experience, and helping families feel understood and less alone. Through Smiles for the Kids, over 100 events for families of reservists have been organized, including carnivals, drumming sessions, magic shows, pizza parties, flower-making workshops, and paint parties.
Additionally, 400 reservists’ wives have been invited for self-care time and personalized activities. The Reservists’ Wives Forum, which advocates for changes in government policy to protect the rights of partners and spouses of reservists, particularly in the workplace, was created when the war started to address the needs of this underserved population.
Initiatives that equip parents with tools to handle their children's emotional needs are also critical. Psychoeducation for parents can help them recognize signs of distress, provide appropriate support, and create a stable environment for their children. This type of education empowers parents to foster resilience in their kids, ensures better emotional regulation, and strengthens family bonds during challenging times. Family sessions can also be more effective than one-on-one therapy for children impacted by trauma. Nadav Perets, Executive Director of the Sha'ar HaNegev Resilience Center, underscores the importance of viewing a child's mental health in the context of their family environment: "We see children with much more anger, withdrawal, and fear. I recommend a family-oriented approach as it is also related to family dynamics."
In addition to parents, teachers and educators also play a crucial role. Structures like schools and summer camps can serve as critical support hubs. Educators trained to recognize signs of anxiety and stress can provide a reassuring adult connection. Given the number of active reservists, there is no institution in the country without children in this situation. These programs should be part of the core infrastructure rather than a band-aid solution or an afterthought.
Moving Forward
As the conflict in Israel persists, we must acknowledge and address the mental health needs of the children of active soldiers. These children, though not on the front lines, are deeply affected by the ongoing violence and instability. By providing robust support systems and understanding their unique challenges, we can help mitigate the psychological impact and foster resilience in these hidden heroes. By addressing their needs, we honor their silent sacrifices and contribute to a stronger, more resilient future for all.
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